Anxiety

I almost can't believe that another month has whizzed by. In my head, my last blog post was made live only recently, yet another five weeks have passed. At times, it feels like the day passes slowly yet the weeks seem to fly by.

This isn't to say that I haven't done lots of things! There have been lots of happy memories with friends, family, a rapid visit to Yorkshire, and so on. My life is continuing and its pace seems to be picking up, especially in comparison to a few months ago. 

The difference a month makes!

In fact, I am back off to Yorkshire again this weekend to see Sophie, who was my housemate during university. She has been so supportive through everything, and has just completed Tough Mudder (an 11 mile obstacle course challenge...) today in aid of Leukaemia & Lymphoma Research. If you can, please sponsor through Sophie's JustGiving page. It would mean a lot to her!

I heard Sophie even lost a contact lens halfway through...

There is so much that I am ready to do. Things that I have been dreaming of accomplishing once I could. Places I would love to see. Except they are all still slightly out of reach. Part of me is very ready to put this whole cancer ordeal behind me and dive head-first into my future.

A few weeks ago I had my annual 'benefits review'. This involves sending off lots of personal and embarrassing information the Department of Work and Pensions. Much to my surprise, my needs were assessed to still be at the highest level, which means I am entitled to the same level of financial and physical support as I was receiving during the peak of my illness. 

This includes keeping hold of Clive, my government-issued automobile.

There are things, like this, that make me feel ever so slightly insecure about my future. In my head I am ready to move on, yet my medical staff and even the government suggest that I should hang on for a while longer.

Every lump, bump, itch, sweat or cough seems to make me, and those close, uneasy about what they could imply. Of course, the answer is that they mean absolutely nothing. Human nature isn't quite so rational at first, unfortunately.

I don't entirely know what I'm trying to say here. It's difficult living with the uncertainty of my lymphoma relapsing. It's quite a real possibility, but the actual probability is very slim.

Occasionally worrying is a good thing (it keeps me vigilant!) and I feel pretty good about my future, although it may be a few more months yet until anything interesting happens.

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Joshua Lerner

Hi! I’m the 'star' of Livin' With Lymphoma. The blog was founded on the 31st October 2013, on the day I was diagnosed with Stage 4B Hodgkin's lymphoma. I hope you find it funny and informative.

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