Sperm Cryogenics - PARENTS KEEP OUT

I'll start with a quick overview. It is a known fact that chemotherapy may lead to post-treatment fertility issues in men and women. Often, people regain fertility once treatment has stopped but this is not necessarily the case, therefore the NHS cover sperm and egg cryogenic freezing (at -196 °C) for free. Enough with the facts, let's get on to the nasty.

My date for today

I may have possibly had the seediest experience of my life to date. It was like going to a brothel (not that that's exactly my scene...) where you have to take a seat in a dark and dingy room to wait for the next available room. Oh, yeah, it was in the basement. Maybe my date was with a particular Austrian man who likes basements. But I'll stop there on that.

Well, my date was obviously a lawyer or something. The first hour was spent filling out endless forms and contracts about what they have permission to do with my 'genetic material' in case of death, mental incapacity or fire. I'm not exactly sure how a sperm tank kept at -196 °C can burst into flames but every circumstance was considered and all liability signed away. The entire process required a good twenty signatures.

Now for the juicy part - my final signature. Last warning now for Mum and Dad. Turn away. Actually, extend that warning to anybody who doesn't want to picture me and a sterile cup doing the nasty.

My date then lead me into what they call a "Private Production Room". I could only imagine what these poor walls have seen. Thank God I didn't bring a blacklight. Anyway, I decided to get comfortable on the sofa (putting my coat down for protection from the wipe clean seats which probably have bum residues) and do my duty. The TV was on with something the nurse thought 'I would enjoy'. She was very wrong. It was a very mature old woman pleasuring her behind with some terrifying tool she must have acquired by postal order. Click here for a quick picture of me doing what I was there to do.

This poor woman from Google Images wasn't in the feature film...

In short, I escaped as soon as possible from Private Production Room 3 and gave my cup to the laboratory.

Upon leaving, I realised I had left my scarf behind. That was embarrassing. I had to actually sit and wait until the room was vacant again. I'll swing by the dry cleaners on the way home.

Next update will be coming on Thursday when I could possibly be starting chemotherapy already.

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Joshua Lerner

Hi! I’m the 'star' of Livin' With Lymphoma. The blog was founded on the 31st October 2013, on the day I was diagnosed with Stage 4B Hodgkin's lymphoma. I hope you find it funny and informative.

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